SEX, LOVE AND LIES: Putting the Elation back into Your Relationship.

It takes two people to create a relationship.

When these individuals agree to authentically communicate, care for, understand, and trust each other, then they can create a lasting and loving relationship. However, when communicating, understanding, caring, or trusting is violated in a relationship, there begins the strong possibility that a once exuberant elation of companionship can falter or fall away. Have you experienced this? Have you reached the point of no return when a relationship no longer feels safe or satisfying? Getting back the connection, compassion, and trust can difficult. Putting back the elation into a damaged relationship can be trickier.

 

The five most common reasons for a lasting relationship are:

Money

Children

Family

Career

Sex

 

The five most common reasons for a relationship falling apart are:

Money

Children

Family

Career

Sex

 

It is interesting that what brings a lasting relationship together can also be what makes it fall apart.

This is Part Two in a Three Part Series of: Sex, Love, and Lies. This segment is designed to help you focus on making wise choices in your relationship. When challenges arise how you handle relationship problems, can determine whether or not your relationship will last… with passion and elation.

One of the most important choices in the early stages of a relationship is seeing your date as who she/he really is, and not as you want to see them. It is easy to “pedistalize,” that is, putting a dating partner on a pedestal and idolize them. When you “pedistalize” you unwittingly ignore personality traits that might be red flags. Whether it’s money, children, family, career, or sex that entices you and allows you to imagine visions of a happy future, it is wise to discover the true nature of the person you have chosen. This way, you won’t get disappointed down the line.

I will present FIVE EXERCISES to help you understand yourself better as well as your partner. If you are having difficulty with a relationship, these exercises can help you. Even if you are happily married these exercises are still fun to do and can bring you even closer.

 

EXERCISE ONE:

 

“PEDISTALIZING” to REALIZING

This exercise is designed to help you realistically see what you are giving to the relationship and what you are receiving from the relationship. Rank on a scale of one-to-five the degree to which you have the following traits. Then rank on a scale of one-to-five how much of the following traits your partner has. (One being Low, Five being High)

TRAIT                                  YOU                                       YOUR PARTNER

Kind

Confident

Genuine

Listens

Sexy

Even tempered

Fun/Enthusiastic

Patient

Financially Supportive

Honest

Healthy

Spiritual

Consistent

Faithful / with love

 

How did you rate yourself? How did you rate your partner? How are you meshing these traits together in your relationship? Did you give yourself a few more highs in some areas than your partner… why? The more accurate you can present yourselves to each other the easier it is will be to get through the tough times. Challenges can bring you closer, rather than pull you apart.

 

Sometimes it is important to reevaluate what is most important to you and share these feelings and insights with your partner. Ask yourself, what things do I want to change? Which things am I proud of? Which things are working for me? And which things do I still need to learn (or unlearn). It is important to realize that if you want to improve yourself it is only a decision away. Ask yourself, “Could this decision help me to add more passion and elation into my relationship?”

 

EXERCISE TWO:

 

I AM NOT MY PARENTS

 

I meet so many couples in which their parenting is affecting their relationship. The messages they were given regarding sex, self-empowerment, finances, career, children, and family “stick” even if these messages are incorrect. There is a hilarious book I suggest to read: SH*T MY DAD SAYS.  It is a fun look at childhood, parenting, sibling messages, and coming of age to be your true self.

 

Getting over difficult or confusing parental messages doesn’t have to be painful. When you have the right person in a relationship, they will encourage you to be yourself. What is valuable for you to consider is becoming apparent so you can become your own parent and let go of old messages that hinder you.

 

No parent is perfect. Often it is old messages that trigger us to react in ways that can compromise a relationship or cause some misunderstanding(s).  In this exercise write down a letter to yourself reflecting on the messages you feel were positive from your parents.  Then write down a letter to yourself noting those messages that no longer serve you. This exercise is designed to help you sincerely and genuinely face some of your inner workings that your partner may not fully understand.

 

POSITIVE MESSAGES FROM MY PARENTS:

 

MESSAGES FROM MY PARENTS THAT NO LONGER SERVE ME OR MY SWEETIE:

 

It is no fun carrying around old baggage regarding sex, love, or lies that you may have received from your parents. Marriage is an opportunity for two people to create a lasting closeness that is heightened year by year. The psychological and spiritual awareness of why you have chosen your partner is important to consider. Has your parenting influenced the person you have chosen positively or negatively? Does your partner make you happy? Are you bringing joy into your partner’s life? Are you being apparent and a parent to yourself so that your communication is clear, nurturing, and straight forward?

 

EXERCISE THREE:

 

IS YOUR LOVE STYLE WORKING?

A two week old relationship is different from a six month relationship, and far different from a twenty five or fifty year relationship. How you express your love is an excellent way for creating a fantastic relationship.  There are three basic elements that fully express love in a consistent manner:

  1. Passion
  2. Commitment
  3. Values and Beliefs

The above three elements help keep a relationship alive, happy, fulfilled and sexy!  Think of these three elements as if they were a triangle. Passion for instance may be at the top of the triangle.  Commitment and Values and Beliefs can be the foundation for the two lower points of the triangle.

 

Or, you may want Commitment at the top of the triangle, with Passion as well as Values and Beliefs at the two lower corners.  Or, Values and Beliefs can be at the top of the triangle with Passion and Commitment as the supporting corners.  You can design the arrangement in any way you want.

 

NOTE: how much energy you are giving to each part of the triangle?

 

Are you letting passion slip through your fingers by not giving enough attention to your spouse or partner? Are you becoming too absorbed with your issues, concerns or problems that you come across as not listening or acting committed? Are your values and beliefs filled with the same compatibility today as when you met?

 

This exercise is about keeping balance in your relationship and maintaining the awareness that giving to each other is as important as receiving from each other.

 

This is a good time to refer you to my article (under Published Articles) Simplifying Successful Relationships: The Intimacy and Dating Scale.

 

EXERCISE FOUR:

 

INTIMACY:  INTO ME YOU SEE

 

This exercise will open your mind, heart, and feelings to increased intimacy.  Into me, you see! What a wonderful concept. This is a core insight for passion, love, and great sex.

 

In this exercise begin writing the positive shared experiences you have had with your spouse or partner.

 

What does your partner see in you that is special and vice-versa?

 

What makes being together meaningful? What are the hopes and dreams you share?

 

How are you helping your partner be their best self, and vice-versa?

 

What are the challenges you have successfully overcome together? How and Why?

 

What makes you attracted to your partner? Are you equally being your most attractive self for your partner?

 

Conclude this exercise with the thought of creating intimacy in a genuine and authentic way so that “Into Me, You See” has true meaning.

 

EXERCISE FIVE:

 

COPING NOT HOPING

 

A common behavior that pulls couples apart is when they hope versus cope when problems arise. Hoping that things will get better can lead to frustration and disappointment. It is important to learn how to cope while considering viable solutions.  The behavior of “hoping” is what I call, walking forward with blinders on.

 

When things don’t go your way, it is easy to do the poor me script. It is also easy to do the blame game. When you are thrown for a loop whether it is Money, Children, Family, Career, or Sex… it works best to talk things out rather than hide your feelings. There will be jolts in life. You are going to experience ups and downs. What makes a relationship last through the highs and lows is how you respond to these challenges.  Sometimes it is darkest before the dawn. Realize you can pull through even the most difficult times.

 

It is great to have hope. This is a powerful tool for visualization, using the power of prayer, and intentioning. Hope needs to be supported with coping when tough times come your way.

 

How have you responded to unexpected situations in the past? Did you walk away and give up or look for solutions? Did you get mad or reach out to your partner in with positive thoughts? Did you stick your head in the sand or look at the bigger picture?

 

Write down Ways you Coped during a difficult situation:

1.

2.

3.

4.

What was the outcome?

 

Write down times you gave up during a difficult situation.

1.

2.

3.

4.

What was the outcome?

 

Compare your responses.  Which feels better? What did you learn?

 

Sometimes it is best to walk away from a losing battle or a nowhere situation, however if you can turn a lemon into lemonade, it might be wise to consider this option.

 

Knowing that you can overcome challenges can put the ELATION back into your relationship even if the unexpected comes your way. Sometimes we can get overwhelmed when there doesn’t seem to be an immediate answer. Patience and coping can be the answer.

 

Often people choose a relationship with the hope of waiting to see what happens…hoping that things will turn out.  Part Two of SEX, LOVE, AND LIES is to help you choose wisely in your thoughts, actions, and behaviors so that from the start you can create intimacy and keep the elation in your relationship for many, many years.